


your head's just in a state

by towokuwusatsuwu



Category: HiGH&LOW: the Story of S.W.O.R.D. (TV)
Genre: Agender Character, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Identity Issues, Lack of Communication, Light Angst, Multi, Other, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 05:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15163481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towokuwusatsuwu/pseuds/towokuwusatsuwu
Summary: ryu is working on their identity and finally comes up with an answer that satisfies them. bernie is not trying to hurt anyone. he only wants to do right by the person he loves and the partner he doesn't want to let go. ryu understands exactly what he means even if the others stumble.





	your head's just in a state

“I have something I want to say to all of you.” Ryu’s voice is low and soft in the dark of the living room, the lights dimmed almost all the way, the lot of them in a loose messy curl of bodies spread across a pair of couches and an oversized chair. “It’s important.”

Bernie picks his head up off of Pearl’s shoulder, forcing himself to focus on what Ryu is saying, squinting through the shadows so he can see better. Ice and Ryu have the chair to themselves, Ice laid up in it like a king with Ryu draped across his lap, black fur against pale skin. While the rest of them are a group of degenerates that were bound to attract each other with time, Ryu is different, poised and elegant like a prince from a royal family who fell in with the worst band of people a person could come across. Bernie would be impressed with the bad decisions Ryu makes if he was not one of the prime examples.

Ice cocks his head, hand moving to the small of Ryu’s back. “Is this..?”

“It is,” Ryu confirms.”

“Aight, I got you.” Ice sits up straighter, though it looks like it takes him quite an effort to do that. He must be fried. Bernie watched from the couch as he and Ryu passed a joint back and forth, not offering to share, whispering to one another. They might be a group, but there’s something special and deep between Ice and Ryu. “Everyone, listen to what Ryu’s got to say.”

This has all of them sitting up, a few groans and grunts here and there as they all struggle to right themselves properly. Bernie has a crick developing in his neck so it was probably for the best; he stretches it and then Pearl’s hand is there, massaging the ache away almost absently like it was habit for him to do it. Just the same, Bernie leans into the touch and fights the urge to close his eyes and bask in the attention and pleasure the small touch gives him. Ice would kill him if he didn’t give Ryu proper attention over something obviously important.

In the back of his mind, Bernie is just a little worried. Ryu having something important to say is not, in and of itself, a worrying matter. But it could be. It might be about Kuryu, or Ryu’s family, or any number of things. Ryu lives a much more dangerous life than the rest of them.

Ryu looks so pretty sitting on Ice’s lap, chin resting on open palm, dark eyes surveying all of them from underneath short hair. “I’ve been struggling with my identity for years now. Most of you are well aware of that, I believe.”

“We know.” Pearl runs a hand through his hair, displacing his headband, shaking it off of his fingers and onto the floor. “We’ve been doing an okay job at keeping up with you, yeah?”

“You’ve changed how you talk about me as I ask, yes. I appreciate it. It’s helped me a lot.” Ryu shifts in Ice’s lap; Ice’s arms slip around Ryu’s waist, an anchor, a reassurance without words. The two of them really are on the same wavelength.

Sprawled out on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, Jesse finally props himself up, looking strangely small without his leopard coat. Bernie cranes his neck to see the spotted fur bundled up and flattened; Jesse was using it as a pillow. “That’s good. Don’t wanna fuck this up for you, after all. So, babe, what’d you figure out? And what can we do to help out?”

“I’ve figured out… Me. My identity. Who I am, what I am, I guess.” Ryu winces at the wording and Bernie notices the veins in Ice’s forearms when he tightens his grip on Ryu. “I’m not… I know I was calling myself a man for a while, and that felt good at the time, or at least it felt better, but I don’t… I’m not. I’m not anything, I don’t think.”

“Not anything,” Bernie repeats slowly in English, testing the words on his tongue.

Jesse throws him a look for it but Bernie only scowls at him.

“Right. Not a man. Not a woman. Not between somewhere. Just… Nothing. There’s no word, I don’t think, that fits me. So I’m not going to use any word at all.” Ryu swallows hard enough that their throat clicks and Bernie feels his heart go out to them, wishing there was less distance between them because he wants to do something to comfort Ryu. They look so nervous, so scared. Are they afraid of possible reactions? “I know that might be confusing. I’d… Prefer if you didn’t call me your boyfriend anymore. Just partner. Don’t call me a man, just a person. It might be hard to adjust to that at first, I understand, but—”

Jesse crawls across the floor to the edge of the chair, resting his head on Ryu’s thigh like a dog seeking attention; Bernie rolls his eyes at the sight. “Nah, nah, we got it. You’re still our Ryu. We’ll adjust the way we need to, right everyone?”

The echo of reassurance in the room is warm and Ryu stretches out a hand to stroke Jesse’s hair even as the tension melts out of their shoulders. Bernie settles back in against Pearl, willing his eyes to fall shut again so he can edge toward sleep once more. Knowing that Ryu is comfortable and has language and understanding that finally works for them is good; Bernie is glad for that, for their comfort and happiness. Though Ryu was already struggling when they finally joined the Mighty Warriors, Bernie has seen enough to know Ryu has hurt too much, too often, and is glad they might not have to hurt so much anymore.

_ Not a man. Not a woman. Not between somewhere. _

Bernie picks his head back off of Pearl’s shoulder. “Wait, I have one question. If you’re not a man but there are men who are attracted to you… What does that make them?”

Ice squeezes his eyes shut, tips his head back against the back of the chair. “ _ Bern. _ ”

“Pearl, for the love of God just gag him,” Jesse mutters from Ryu’s lap, pressing up into Ryu’s hand.

“I don’t have anything to gag him with,” Pearl sing-songs.

“I don’t understand. Did I say something wrong?” If the bottom threatens to fall out of Bernie’s stomach at the reactions his question garnered, well, he hopes it doesn’t show so much in the way his voice quavers. “I was just wondering because, you know, I’m gay and—”

“We know,” everyone in the room answers, and Bernie pouts at them.

Ryu holds up a hand, and the room quiets. The authority they carry on their shoulders even in the quiet dark of this house is tangible. “What do you mean, Bernie?”

That Ryu’s voice is perfectly calm with no inflection or signs of distress should be reassuring, should coax Bernie to speak freely without being afraid or shrinking away, but his mouth is dry and the thought he might ask something wrong and upset Ryu is real and strong, throbbing through his chest. He squirms and lowers his head, not sure what to say now. Pearl’s hand touches between his shoulder blades, a silent comfort, but Bernie leans away from it. He was the one who asked the question. If he plans on going through with getting clarification from Ryu, then he ought to do that on his own with no one to hold his hand through it.

“I mean… I mean I only like men. You know that.” Bernie pulls a knee up to his chest to rest his chin on top of it, curling his arms around his own leg to keep it in place. “And you’re… You’re saying you aren’t a man so I don’t understand. You know I still like you, I just—”

“You really wanna nitpick some words that weren’t even really made up with people like Ryu in mind? You wanna go there?” Ice asks, and there’s a hostile edge in his voice.

Bernie’s pulse beats a little faster in his throat and he shakes his head; upsetting anyone is not what he intended here, but he can see what he’s done loud and clear. “That’s not what I mean.”

“You’re asking me if you can still be gay and still find me attractive at the same time,” Ryu says.

“I just… I don’t understand. I  _ want _ to because I want to do anything to make you happy, I’m just… Not all there yet? I’m sorry. I’m stupid.” Bernie’s fingers dig into his own calf, gripping the muscle there, trying to find some kind of anchor even though he feels so foolish and small for caring about this in the first place. “Isn’t me saying that I only like men… Offensive? Because I like you, and because you don’t call yourself a man now.”

Pearl makes a soft noise in the back of his throat, pushing himself up off of the couch, motions slow and sleepy. “Baby,” he slurs, reaching to take Bernie’s arm, “it’s not like that.”

“It’s really not. You can still call yourself gay while you’re attracted to me. I don’t mind.” Ryu’s smile is gentle, running their fingers through Jesse’s hair to calm him.

Bernie chews on his lower lip for a minute before nodding, letting his body fit back against Pearl’s once more, squeezing his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to see anyone else staring at him. Though he just wanted to ask the question— he doesn’t want to hurt Ryu’s feelings, doesn’t want to make Ryu think Bernie doesn’t see them as they are— he feels like he made a mistake in speaking at all. Maybe he should have bitten his tongue instead and just waited until Ryu mentioned it to him, but.  _ But. _ Ryu has hurt so much already without Bernie making it worse.

_ For the love of God, just gag him. _

“I’m going to go to bed.” Bernie pecks Pearl on the cheek to thank him for being such a good body-sized pillow, then climbs off of the couch, steps over Jesse’s discarded coat, and makes a beeline for the bedroom. “Let me know if anything comes up, Ice, and I’ll be up.”

He pointedly does not look behind him as he goes, trying not to walk too fast because he doesn’t want anyone to think he is running away from them even though that is exactly what Bernie is doing. As soon as he crosses the threshold of the bedroom he shares with Pearl, he closes the door silently, then stuffs his fist into his mouth to stop himself from being too loud. A sob tears its way up his throat, his eyes blurring as he sinks down on the edge of the bed.

Did he make a mistake? Maybe he hurt Ryu more by asking them questions like that. Maybe he pissed the others off by making any assumptions in the first place. Jesse is right; someone should have gagged him before he said anything stupid and ruined the relationship he had with the people he cares so much about. Creating a fissure between him and Ryu default creates one between him, Ice, and Jesse as well.

Bernie sniffles and presses the heel of his hand against his eyes, wiping away the tears as quickly as they come, not wanting it to show on his face. The only person who deserves to feel anything about this right now is Ryu, not him. He needs to suck it up and deal with it.

By the time Pearl comes to join him, Bernie has cried himself out and remains perfectly still in the bed while Pearl spoons up behind him, pulling Bernie back against his chest. If he realizes that Bernie has been curled up here, miserable and upset, he doesn’t let on.

It might not be healthy, but Bernie avoids Ryu for the next two or three days. He hangs around with Pearl, the two of them putting their heads together on new songs, always busy so he can have an excuse as to why he isn’t coming to eat with the others. When he finds an interesting thread online he follows it for an entire night, turning in at three in the morning after he’s successfully padded their bank accounts with quite a bit of money that no one will even realize is missing before it’s too late to do anything about it.

No one bothers him. Jesse and Ice are off in their own world, Ryu has a complex life to juggle, 9 and Pearl are buddy buddy so he leaves Bernie be. The quiet is useful and nice to have.

But by the end of day four, Bernie is miserable. He shuts down his laptop and drags himself out of his bedroom, his heart in his throat, to see if he can find Ryu. The house is quiet, which means almost everyone must be asleep or out, but Ryu is a homebody at heart and Bernie finds them sitting on the couch, a book in their hands. It must be hard to read back home, but Bernie has never asked. None of them who value their lives ask about Kuryu.

“Ryu?” Bernie’s voice is small, a croak of a sound more than an actual voice and Ryu lifts their head at the sound, dark eyes meeting Bernie’s. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course. Come here.” Ryu pats the empty cushion beside them before turning back to their book. “You’ve been hard at work. It’s nice to see you out of your room for a change.”

Bernie’s lips tremble and he sniffles softly, sitting on the end of the couch. When he opens his mouth to speak at first, nothing comes out. He has to clear his throat and try again before anything comes out. “I’m sorry. For asking that question. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“What question?” Ryu looks over at him, one eyebrow raised.

“The… About… You know.” Bernie likes attention more than most people, craves it, would do anything for it, and he loves when his partners look at him directly, giving him their full attention. Now, though, he squirms away from it. “When you came out to us.”

“When you asked me if me no longer identifying as a man meant you should stop calling yourself gay?” When Bernie nods, his face starting to crumple, Ryu sets their book down. “What’s going on? I didn’t say anything but you’ve been avoiding all of us since that night and I was growing concerned with your distance from us.”

When Bernie says nothing, Ryu holds their arms out to him, and Bernie sobs, throwing himself into Ryu’s lap, burying his face in Ryu’s stomach, arms wrapped around their waist, clinging to them desperately. He knows he shouldn’t be the one who’s upset about this, who doesn’t deserve to cry. But Ryu settles their hands on top of him, one on his shoulder and the other curling in his hair, soothing him even as he cries into Ryu’s shirt. He might be ruining Ryu’s shirt and it makes him feel sick even though he knows Ryu can throw money at any clothes they want.

“You’re crying,” Ryu says, tipping his chin up. “Why are you crying? I told you that I didn’t mind. I’m not upset with you. So what are you upset about? Jesse? Ice? What they said to you?”

“I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you!” Bernie sniffles and chokes and wipes tears and snot off of his face. “I love you so much, Ryu, I don’t want you to think… I don’t want to hurt you, even on accident. I don’t want to use words that hurt you. I don’t want the others to think I’m trying to make it about me, either. I just want to understand so I can help you.”

Ryu has a beautiful face, carved by angels, so gorgeous Bernie swooned outright the first time the two of them spoke to each other. Because of the nature of Ryu’s work, they have a perfect poker face, expression smoothed out and blank. Now, though, their face softens and they smile softly, brushing a tear from beneath Bernie’s eye.

“You’re so worried about upsetting me that you’re lying in my lap crying over something I assured you was perfectly fine. You’re very dumb, but you mean so well.” Ryu wipes away another tear and Bernie hiccups pathetically. “I know you weren’t making it about yourself. You just didn’t want to hurt me. I understand that.”

Bernie presses into Ryu’s hand, his eyes falling closed, his lips trembling. “I don’t want to go around saying I only like men when I like you. I don’t want you to feel like I don’t love you or that I see you as a man when you say you don’t want to be seen as one.”

“I know that, Bernie. And I don’t. I know what you mean, and I’m not offended by it.” Ryu leans down to kiss his forehead, and Bernie whines.

“I-Ice and Jesse were so mad at me.” Another reason to avoid Ryu was that avoiding them meant avoiding Ice and Jesse was all the easier. “But I didn’t want to hurt you and I don’t think they believed me. If they’re mad, I just… I don’t care. I just don’t want to hurt you.”

Ryu tugs Bernie to sit upright in their lap, setting their arms around his waist while Bernie clings to their slim shoulders, burying his face in their shoulder, nuzzling against the soft material of their shirt. “They were upset with you. They’re protective of me because they know I’ve gone through a lot. But they aren’t anymore. I sat them down and had a talk when I realized you hadn’t come down to eat with us in three days.”

“It was hard,” Bernie murmurs, squeezing Ryu tighter.

“I understand. Sweetheart, you worried me so much.” Ryu tilts their head, their lips brushing against the end of Bernie’s nose and he scrunches his face up, hiding away against Ryu’s neck. “I wish you’d come to me right away so I could have cleared this up when it became an issue.”

Bernie nods, finally dragging his head up. “Sorry for worrying you, Ryu.”

“It’s okay. I still love you.” Ryu grasps him by the chin and kisses him properly, and Bernie’s mouth softens against theirs automatically. Though Ryu is far from his normal type, so willowy and pretty and soft-spoken, Bernie is head over heels for them and always has been. “Do you still love me? Dumb question, given the situation—”

“I do!” Bernie takes Ryu’s face in hand, carefully, oh so carefully, and kisses them, and he wonders if he tastes salty, like tears. “I won’t worry you anymore. I’ll come to you next time instead of just hiding in my room.”

The sound of the front door opening makes Bernie jump, though Ryu only tilts their head to watch Ice and Jesse stumble into the house, arms around each other’s necks. It’s stupid, really, how Bernie feels uneasy around them even though Ryu just promised him that everything is fine now, but he bites his lip so hard it hurts, fights the urge to hide in Ryu’s arms once more because he knows Ryu would keep him safe.

Jesse sees him first, sobering instantly, the smile slipping off of his face. “Hey, pretty boy.”

“Bern?” Ice locks the door behind them, regarding Bernie carefully from his position. “You good? You gonna be back with us now?”

“Ice,” Ryu says, their voice sharp, pointed.

“Right, right. We’re sorry for snapping at you, Bernie. Ryu said you weren’t trying to be mean about things.” Jesse leans over the back of the couch and Ryu to give Bernie a kiss, flinching back, touching his mouth. “You been crying? Oh, shit, man.”

Ice sucks in a harsh breath. “We fucked up pretty bad, huh?”

“Stop being dramatic, though you’d probably die if you did.” Ryu crooks a finger and Ice comes to join them, leaning over to wrap a hand around the back of Bernie’s neck. “Everything is fine. We’re fine. I love all of you and I’m satisfied that all of you love me. Now that you two are home, I want to go to bed. We’ll bring Bernie with us this time.”

Jesse smirks. “You good with that, twink?”

“Lotta nerve out of someone shorter than me,” Bernie says, giggling when Jesse gives him the most wounded puppy look possible. “I’m good with it. Let’s go to bed.”

Everything is okay.


End file.
